Christmas Gift For That Special Loved One!

A CHRISTMAS STORY

On a recent visit to Cleveland to see the boy, we made a special trip to Tremont a small suburb of Cleveland. What you might ask is in Tremont? Well we went to see the house where they filmed the cult classic "Christmas Story"

That's right! We saw the home of Ralphie and Randy Parker. There was a pretty good turnout of trivia buffs waiting to get inside. Across the street, there is a museum and gift shop where you could purchase the infamous leg lamp like the one in the movie.

Check out more photos of our trip to Tremont.

OH TANNENBAUM!

Well there it is...the official Feeback Christmas Tree for 2006. After an arduous journey up the narrow and treacherous attic steps, I was able to secure her and bring her to the warm and safe confines of our living room.

This year was a little easier than in times past. The wife decided it was time to buy new lights and ornaments. What I heard was " less boxes to carry down from the attic". I was ecstatic.

We decided to go with an all silver tree this year. The wife went a little overboard on the ornaments...I think we could have decorated a second tree with all of the leftovers. Don't say anything to her, I don't want her getting any crazy ideas.

All that's left to do is to go out and buy the gifts that will sit at the base of the tree. As usual, we will wait until the last minute to do it. We Feebacks are big procrastinators.

For those of you wondering what yours truly wants for Christmas, I have written a short but detailed wish list:

1) PS3

2) 80gig Ipod

3) New Apple Italk Cell Phone

4) All of the James Bond Boxed Sets

5) Digital Camcorder (I'm just dying to post something on Youtube)

6) Lamborgini Gallardo

See, I told you it was short. So stop wasting time reading this blog and get out there and start spending money.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!

FUNNIEST WEB PICS

Checked out a site today that is looking for the funniest pics on the web. I thought I would share some of the ones I liked.

I would have to vote for "Bitch stole my fish" as my favorite.

Later!

HOCKEY GAME

Last night's Toledo Storm game was great. We had fights, brawls and a penalty shot. Little Hunter got to see it all for his first hockey game. I remember the excitement of another family member at his first hockey game...

Too bad Terry and Mandy couldn't make it. Maybe next time.

GO STORM !!

AMERICAN iNGENUITY!

SCARY STUFF !

There's a chill in the air and you know what that means...time for the ghosts and goblins to come out and play. That's right, Halloween is just around the corner.

To make your Halloween more enjoyable, I've inserted this link that lists all of the Haunted Houses in the area for your frightful enjoyment. Haunted Houses.

They even list the top haunted houses in the nation. Topping the list is the Headless Horseman in New York. There were even a couple in Ohio, including the 7 Floors Of Hell in Berea.

Kevin and Gen...you'll have to check it out some night. 7 Floors Of Hell.

As for myself, I'll just have to content myself with watching horror movies like Slither, The Omen and of course my favorite, Nightmare on Elm Street.

Happy Haunting!

GREAT MOVIE...GREAT GAME.

For fans of the movie Scarface comes a sequel in the form of a video game called "Scarface. The World Is Yours."

I have been playing this game for about a day now and it is awesome! Not only are you Tony Montana, the baddest dude that ever lived, but you get to blow away bad guys in an attempt to rebuild your empire that was taken from you in the movie.

The dialogue is the best. You actually get "balls" by taunting your enemies after you kill them. Tony will say things like "Fuck you, motherfucker" after he shoots you in the head or "You need an army to beat Tony Montana, asshole". It's great just listening to him talk. When you get enough balls, you can go into a "Blind Rage" in which you are invulnerable and your accuracy is unlimited. For everyone you kill, it increases your health as well.

You have to deal with Drug Lords, Gang Wars, the Vice Squad, and of course your enemy...Victor Sosa.

The soundtrack is great. A lot of celebrity voices. Just a great game. I recommend it to all.

Well, I gotta go. I've got some killing to do. Later.

TOOL

The boy treated me to a great concert last night; we went and saw Tool at The Palace. Tool is one of those bands that sound great on the cd and with headphones, but when you see them live they will flat out blow you away.

From the opening song "Stinkfist" to the closing song "Aenima" the band played loud and in synch with the most amazing light stage I have ever seen. On the large video screens overhead you watched the familiar surreal images that embody the Tool music videos. Scenes from some insane other world that only heighten the musical experience.

One of the great things about seeing a Tool show is wondering what their lead singer Maynard Keenan will be dressed as for the show. Unwilling to be out front in the spotlight, Maynard is content to sing at the back of the stgae alongside the drummer, usually portrayed as just a silhouette against a background of swirling colors or geometric patterns. It is an eerie sight to see him back there belting out strong rhythmic vocals gyrating to the heavy riffs laid down by the rest of the band.

If you have never seen Tool live I highly recommend it. It will stay with you long after the concert ends.

I'll leave you with their new video for "The Pot" one of my favorite songs off of "10,000 Days.:

Get this video and more at MySpace.com

DANE COOK MASH-UP VIDEO

Here is a cool blend of anime and one of Dane Cook's routines. Enjoy.

2 DAY JUNKET TO CLEVELAND

The Mom was missing her only son, so we decided to go on a two day junket to Cleveland.

As usual we had no specific plans other than visiting a local winery. Ironically, the name of the winery was called John Christ Winery. You can imagine the fun we had with that. When we arrived it looked like we were visiting some friends out in the suburbs. A normal looking house with a stone driveway. We had reservations about our choice of activities.

Once inside, we realized that we had made the right choice. They had a wine bar on the inside, a full food menu, and of course what we were searching for...a wine garden. As we perused the facility, we noticed something that we had never encountered before at a winery. Off to the side were an assortment of board games. They had Jenga, Life, Sex and The City Trivia, Pictionary, Scrabble and Monopoly. Alas, no Cranium to be found for which the Mom was eternally grateful.

We purchased a nice Cabernet as well aa a sweet white called Niagara, a cheese and sausage plate. You read it correctly...a sausage plate. Hot, cooked summer sausage. It was actually very good. We headed out to the garden.

We sat in the sunshine on a beautiful summer day and proceeded to consume our two bottles of wine. We looked to our right and noticed that this winery was located next to a golf course (mental note for me and Kevin). Several golfers stopped and meandered into the winery to try and forget their horrible game. Believe me I know the feeling. As we looked around at the other winos, we noticed a couple drinking what we believed to be Sangria. Ah, the juice of the Gods! I looked at Kevin and he looked back at me as if to say..."We're getting a pitcher" The Mom was fading fast. The Niagara had kicked her butt. The Alpha males dominated and we ordered a pitcher of Sangria.

While we waited inside for our Nectar Of The Gods, Kevin jokingly said we should take the Sex And The City game out to the garden and play. I looked at him and asked, "Have you ever watched Sex and The City?" To which he repliued "No". Instead I grabbed Scrabble. We had our Sangria and we had Scrabble...what more could you ask for?

As you can see at the right Kevin is deep in thought deciding whether to go for Rod or On. The biggest word of the contest was Helium which was used by yours truly. Have you ever played Scrabble with two drunk people? Believe me it is a challenge. I jokingly asked if this was the Grade School Edition. The Mom and Kevin didn't laugh.

We finished our game of Scrabble which the Mom won (with my help). We insulted some other people who were having a birthday party and at the last minute decided to go to an Indians Game downtown.















Little did we know , but it was Drew Carey bobblehead night. We all got bobbleheads and watched a pretty exciting game between the Indians and The Kansas City Royals. The Mom was bored to tears, but once again the Alpha males dominated and we drank beer, ate shelled peanuts and Cracker Jack. The Indians won 6-5. It was a good night.











Day Two. Once again the Alpha males dominated and we headed to the Pro Football Hall Of Fame in Canton. The Mom was less than ecstatic. I have attached photos from the Hall Of Fame. The rest is self explanatory.




The First Football Uniform Note the archaic face guard.






















Kevin wondering what his head would look like in the Hall Of Fame next to Jim Thorpe's.























The Mom in her glory standing next to her favorite team: The Pittsburgh Steelers.











Even though it was a lot of driving we ended up having a good time.

This weekend The Boy hits Toledo.

Stay tuned for more Blog updates.

CUTEST BOOK EVER!


I just finished the cutest book ever. It's called Marley And Me. It's about a family who owns the world's worst dog. It chronicles his life from puppyhood all the way through adulthood and then into old age.

Marley is a yellow Lab with enough energy for 10 dogs. He has a neurotic fear of thunder and nearly wrecks their house whenever a storm approaches. He failed obedience school. He chews and eats everything.His antics will keep you in stitches thoughout the whole book.

For anyone who's ever owned and loved a dog, this book is for you. I highly recommend it. It's a quick read and you'll find yourself turning pages to see what Marley gets into next.

One Great Book!

Well, we did it! Another Ozzfest under our belts. If my calculations are correct that makes 8 years in a row that Kevin (my son) and I have attended the Prince Of Darkness' yearly tour. There was one main difference this year: No Ozzy. System Of A Down headlined the massive summer tour. Which was ok with my son; he's here more for the second stage. And this year I will have to agree with him. The second stage kicked the first stage's ass!

The day started like any other Ozzfest. Kevin would stop by around 8:00 am, hug and kiss his mom and then we would be off to our annual ritual. Kevin was feeling a little rough this morning. He went to see Uncle Ted Nugent the night before in Cleveland at his favorite venue: House Of Blues. He loved the show. Ted has a knack of making everyone have a good time regardless of how they are feeling when they get there. He struts around stage with his coyote tail and loin cloth laying down some of the heaviest licks you'll ever hear from a Les Paul guitar. I must have taught Kevin well because he told me he was the only one in his group that knew the words to every song. I'm so proud! Ted can get political as well. Kevin said he shot an arrow into a cardboard cutout of Osama Bin Laden. You gotta love it. This is what we talked about on the drive up.

We arrived at DTE around 10:00 am. According to our tickets the show started at 9:00. WRONG! We sat in the van and watched as a long line of metalheads stood outside waiting to get in. We also noticed an extreme increase in the number of Sheriffs patroling the parking lots for pre-concert partying. Luckily, Kevin and I decided not to drink a fifth of Jack Daniels before the show (we did it one year and now we have acid relux).

The first thing we noticed when we stepped out of the air-conditioned van was a sweltering wave of hot air. Little did we know was that this would be the coolest part of our day. We took our spot in the queue and as we always do proceeded to make fun of the people around us. There was one dude that had so much sunscreen on he it looked like he was covered in Crisco oil. Kevin's comment was " at least no one will be able to push him down in the mosh pit...they'll slide right off". I had to laugh at that one.

We finally get up to the entrance gates and now it's time for the ole strip tease. "Take everything out of your pockets. Please open your eyeglass case. Can you take your hat off for me?" It took me a good 10 minutes to put myself back together so I could walk toward the stage. Kevin and I walked across the tarmac to listen to the closing songs of A Life Once Lost. As they finished their set, we strolled over to the T-Shirt booth. We always do this to see what shirts they have and to determine how much money we need to put aside so we can get one. I got an Ozzfest shirt while Kevin opted for All That Remains.

We grabbed our first beer around 11:00 am. It went down hard because of the heat. After that we switched to water. No need to get heat exhaustion. We watched the entire second stage acts all afternoon. I could feel the back of my neck starting to sting. I looked at Kevin's arms and they were red as well. We couldn't wait to get out of the sun and into some shade.

We grabbed some pizza and pop and headed to our Pavilion seats. They weren't the greatest, but it was a place to sit down and re-energize. We had shade for about 45 minutes, then the sun came around and was shining right on our seats. We couldn't get away from it. We decided to walk around until the first stage acts got going.

Once the sun went down, our thirst went up. Now we decided it was time for some alcohol. Making up for lost time, we each double fisted and headed for our seats which were now in the shade. We struggled through Avenged Sevenfold and Disturbed (we've seen them so many times). All we cared about was System Of A Down.

We had a nice buzz going when they came out. I told Kevin I thought the lead singer was on heroin because he hardly moved on stage. Regardless, they sounded really good.

All in all it was fun. I just wish it would have been a little cooler. Maybe next year.

SUPERMAN RETURNS

Since it was so hot out yesterday, we decided to see "Superman Returns". I have to tell you it was pretty good. As much as we miss Christopher Reeves, this new kid Brendan Routh does a fairly decent job.

The special effects were definitely an improvement from when Chris wore the cape. The airplane sequence was AWESOME! Not to mention the destruction of Lex Luthor's yacht with Lois Lane on it.

I liked the fact that they used a lot of the dialogue from the first Superman. I believe it was Marlon Brando speaking the lines. The whole movie seemed to pay homage to the preceding Superman movies.

There is a surprise element to this movie which I will keep to myself. I don't want to ruin it for anybody that is planning on seeing the flick.

Check it out if you can!

BIG BROTHER 7 ALL STARS

Last night I went to my first Big Brother party. I have to tell you it was a lot of fun. It all started by having each of us put in five dollars. Then we drew names of the fourteen houseguests that we would be during the season and who would hopefully win this year's competition. If you drew the first person to be evicted (in this case it was Alison last night) you doubled your money. If you pull the name of the person to win it all, you win the pot. In our game we have twenty-eight people playing, two people per houseguest, so the pot is pretty big.

When the show came on everybody was gathered around the TV set cheering on their potential winning houseguest. Just to let you know, I came close to doubling my money right off the bat...I drew Danielle and she was on the block with Alison. Deana has Kaysar and might very well win the whole thing. It all depends on who from BB6 will be the biggest backstabber. You know they have to be thinking about that. It will happen...it's just a matter of when.

We were the hit of the party because we were the only one's who had signed up for the 24/7 live cam. We were telling everyone things that the prime time show didn't reveal. I thought for sure they would touch on Alison hiding in a pot for two hours to eavesdrop...but they never did. They also never showed the fact that Jase threw one of the POV rings toward Janelle, so she would win the POV. (Remember when she jumped out of the dumpster and then jumped right back in?) that was when Jase threw a ring her way.

The big question last night was about HOH. Will they have only one HOH from now on, or will they randomly select two? And what about America's choice? Will they vote Alison back into the house? That would definitely make it interesting.

Everyone agreed that the BB6 alliance is very strong, but don't count out Dr. Will and Mike Boogie. They realize that to win this game they have to break up that alliance. Right now they are sitting back and watching the other players. They don't want to put targets on their backs just yet. And what about Jase. He seems to be playing both sides of the fence. I think Janelle is beginning to realize this. Whenever she asks him his opinion on something, he always says " I don't know". He lets her become the target and not him. Pretty smart!

Who do you think will win it all? Post a comment and let me know.

GO DANIELLE!

SUMMER CONCERT DATES

Well, sorry I haven't been updating the blog lately...been too busy attending concerts, golf outings, bachelor parties and wedding receptions. All that partying takes it's toll on this 50 year-old body.

Just to recap this summer's events:

June 30th: SLAYER at Tower City Amphitheater in Cleveland with the boy. Awesome venue on the Cuyahoaga River. How can you beat a little South Of Heaven while a cool breeze washes over you from the east. Needless to say, the beer flowed and the heads banged.

July 1st: Get up, slightly hung-over...drive back to Toledo in time to shower, shave ,get dressed and head to my buddy's wedding at OLPH. Leave the wedding. We have 3 hours to kill before the reception. Go home and take a nap...NO WAY. It's off to Dales's Bar and Grille in Maumee for a pre-reception warm-up. The boy sucks down Stella's like there's no tomorrow and I casually sip 4 rum and diet Cokes. (I needed the caffeine). Grab a quick lunch and then head to Gladieux Meadows on Heatherdowns for the reception. Not one to break habits, I continued drinking rum and diet Cokes. Lots of reminiscing about the glory days of High School. Run into schoolmates I haven't seen in years. Brings back memories, Even though I've put on weight, I still look damn good compared to some of my peers. Starting to wind down, leave the reception around 10 o'clock.

July 8th: SOUNDS OF THE UNDERGROUND in Cleveland. This is an all-day concert. Great heavy bands including: Trivium, As I Lay Dying, Terror, Behemoth and of course the crowd favorite...Gwar. Should be a good time.

July 19th: OZZFEST at DTE in Detroit. This has become an annual event for my son and I. People we ask to go have come and gone, but we manage to survive it year in and year out. For us it is a summer ritual. One that we both enjoy. This year's headliner is System Of A Down. Ozzy will only be appearing at certain shows across the country. In fact at one show he will headline the second stage! That's Ozzy for you, always thinking outside the box for ways to entertain his fans.

August: Thinking about going to an Old School concert and taking the boy to see The James Gang. It's good for him to listen to some rock and roll roots. Keeps him honest.

Well that's what's in store in the upcoming weeks

KEEP ON ROCKIN'

GRADUATION DAY II

In continuing my recognition of Graduation Day, I have two more entries:

1999


Some interesting events from 1999:

Nelson Mandela steps down as the first black president of South Africa.

War erupts in Kosovo.

Magnitude 7.4 earthquake kills more than 15,600 and leaves 600,000 homeless in Turkey.

The world awaits the consequences of the Y2K bug and the end of the world predictions.







1975

























The top stories from 1975:

North Vietnamese take Saigon thus ending the Vietnam War.

Soyuz-Apollo test flight (US and Soviet spaceships dock).

Altair introduce Altair MITS 8800, first personal computer.

Microsoft is founded.

The "Thrilla In Manila". Muhammed Ali and Joe Frazier fight in Manila.

Alright, that concludes this edition of Graduation Day. Hope you enjoyed the experience.

Later!

GRADUATION DAY

June is the time for celebration...especially if you are a Senior in High School. Because if you are a Senior in High School, you know that "Graduation Day" is just around the corner.

Since I don't personally know anyone graduating this year, I thought it would be nice to take a trip down memory lane and revisit some graduation pics from the past.

1990


Here are some events from the year of 1990:

Iraq invades Kuwait. (Our first glimpse of Saddam)

The Hubble telescope is launched. (Cool Wallpapers)

Tim Berners-Lee invents "The Worldwide Web" (Thanks Tim. Without you I couldn't create this blog)

I don't see the invention of The Mullet, but apparently it was very popular :)









1993


Here are some interesting things about 1993:

Waco Siege in Texas (Crazies in a Cult)

First World Trade Center bombing (you'd think we would get the hint about Al-Queda)

Intel introduces the microprocessor. (All Hail Intel...more speed please)


Those were the good old days. Hope you had as much fun as I did going down memory lane.

Till next time!

BACKMASKING

For those of you too young to remember, The Beatles had the Nation playing their records backwards in an attempt to discover clues about Paul McCartney's alleged death. For many it was the first time anyone had heard of the term "backmasking". "Backmasking" is the technical term for musicians who want to conceal a message in their lyrics by recording it backwards. In an effort to show some of the younger folks out there what it was all about, I stumbled upon this great site where not only are some of The Beatles songs showcased, but some songs that even I didn't realize had hidden messages. When you play these songs the effect is quite chilling. The site is set up to let you listen and view the lyrics in their normal state, and then you can play and read the lyrics backwards. Some of these hidden messages are intentional, and some have to be coincidences...or are they?

Check it out yourself at Jeff Milner's Backmasking Site. I guarantee you will be amazed at what you will hear.

Later!

DAVENPORT WARS


Eerie resemblance to another Davenport photo I saw recently!

DAVENPORT II

Nuff said!

PHOTOSHOP 101


Some of you may or may not know but in the last two months I've been trying to learn the ins and outs of Photoshop CS2. Nowadays you don't need to know how to use a camera. You can take the crappiest photo and remake into a work of art using Photoshop. So desperate am I to learn every aspect of this digital photography software, that I have subscribed to various podcasts including Photoshop TV and Photoshop Killer Tips in an attempt to learn what it can do. Posted here you will see some of the photos I've been working on. Some are fun and some are silly, but it's all in the name of creating art.

Enjoy!

This was my first attempt at creating my own sig.

Here is an example of using layers to create a really creepy portrait.

Here is my first PSP wallpaper.

Here I am having a little fun at Kevin's expense. He tells everyone he's just a big panda!

Here's one that highlights a certain element of a photo. In this case it's the moon.

And of course you have to include something with Pamela Anderson. This is a photo that I converted into a "woodcut" photo.

Here is a desktop wallpaper I created featuring Hunter and Sierra. (Tonnie feel free to right-click and use as your own wallpaper).

The most interesting aspect of Photoshop is Imageready in which you can create animated gifs for use in Web pages. Stay tuned as I get more competent at creating animated pictures. I can have a lot of fun with those :)

So there you have it. My showcase of Photoshop pics that I created during my self-taught classes. Don't think I'm done yet, and remember...be careful what pictures you post on the web. I just may convert them into something humiliating and embarrassing.

Later!

PS3 RELEASE DATE ANNOUNCED



It's official! The new PS3 will be available in North America in November. Many gamers have been anxiously awaiting this high-powered console. Originally scheduled for spring of 2006, technical problems pushed the release date back to fall. The price: $499 and $599. GULP!

Today at the Sony conference in L.A. the new revised controller was also unveiled. Goodbye boomerang. Hello Dualshock. The gaming community uttered a sigh of relief at the news. The proposed boomerang design left gamers with trepidation and loathing. Not only is the new controller more user friendly, but it will be wireless with the capability of re-charging as well as containing six motion sensitive gyroscopes that will respond to tilting of the controller. Imagine flying a plane simply by tilting the controller in the direction you want to go. I guess no more throwing the controller in disgust when you lose!

In addition to the new controller, each PS3 will come with it's own hard drive. There will be two versions: 20GB or 60GB. From what I've read it's worth the extra $100 to go with the 60GB version. A lot pricier than Microsoft's XBOX. The only advantage I see is that the PS3 is backward compatible and will play PS2 and PS1 games. In addition it is a HD Blu-ray disc player.

One cool feature is the ability to sync your PSP to the PS3 for use in games. Today in L.A. they demonstrated a racing game in which the PSP served as a rearview mirror to the car you are racing on the PS3. Holy Crap! How hard is that going to be for a 50 yr old like myself? I guess we'll find out.

I guess the guys from Microsoft said that there is no new innovation with the PS3 and that the XBOX has nothing to worry about. Not only is it cheaper, but it came out first and people are playing instead of waiting.

I think they're scared. The PS3 will dominate the console wars.

Guess what I want for Christmas?

No More "Liquid Candy" in Schools


Ok, they finally banned soda pop from schools. I think the cartoon to the right will attest that it is the right thing to do. Besides the fact that it can lead to obesity, it also helps accelerate tooth decay. We not only have fat kids, but fat kids with cavities.

I wonder what effect it will have on performance in school. There have been many adverse effects of sugar one of which might be ADD and hyperactivity. We may not see the below cartoon coming true.

If you have stock in Coke or Pepsi, it might be a good time to sell. These school contracts are worth BILLIONS!

Now if we can just get guns banned, our schools will be perfect.

Later!

TERRORIST SENTENCED

This editorial cartoon says it all! Everyone in America wanted to see Moussaoui sentenced to life in prison than to be put to death (which is what he wanted). Too bad he is at a Maximum Security prison in Colorado. It's the same prison that The Unibomber, Ted Kasinsky is at. Authorities claim Moussaoui will spend most of the time in solitary confinement. I was hoping to see him in the general population where he could experience 7200 hundred Bubbas! If the bull-queers in prison are as determined as I think they are, they will find a way to welcome Zacari-ass into the fold.

WE CAN ONLY HOPE!

SLAYER DAY!

For those of you who like to keep track of unusual coincidences and strange occurences, be prepared this year for an event that happens only once every century:

666

That's right. On June 6, 2006 it will be the only time that the mark of the beast will be reflected on our calendars. Now I know what you're thinking: will Satan himself re-appear on the planet? Will some kid named Damien be born in one of our local hospitals? Unfortunately, nothing so horrific is scheduled to occur on 6/06/06.

Instead there are a group of people who have proposed that we spend the day honoring one of metal's true icons:

SLAYER

Check out this site. Slayer Day. It will instruct you on how you should spend 6/06/06. For Slayer fans, it's how they spend everyday.

I may not spend 6/06/06 honoring Slayer, but on 6/30/06 I sure will be. I have tickets to see them in Cleveland with my son Kevin. The Unholy Alliance Tour is sure to be a great show. Too bad it wasn't on 6/06/06. That would be truly bizarre.




Anyway, crank up "Angel Of Death" and a little "South Of Heaven" in honor of Slayer; and remember to "dance with the dead in your dreams".

ROCK ON!

HOSTEL

Well I just watched "Hostel" last night and I won't be back-packing through Europe anytime soon; although Amsterdam looked like fun!

This movie is a chilling portrayal of society's demise. Money is king and you can buy anything for a price. Even the ability to torture another human being to the point of death, which is the premise of the movie.

I guess the only problem I have with the movie is the fact that if someone was using a blowtorch on my face (which they do in this movie) I wouldn't be screaming, I'd pass out from the pain. Or if someone took an electric drill and started looking for a stud over my entire body, again I would pass out before they got to the third attempt and ruin all of their fun.

What does happen during the torture is a lot of vomiting. I guess if we didn't see the vomit, the audience wouldn't know just how badly it hurts. Believe me, I've dropped things on my big toe before and thought I was going to pass out, let alone having someone cut it off with a pair of bolt cutters.

I guess in the movies no one goes into shock...except the customers when they see the price of tickets and concessions.

In "Pulp Fiction" one of my favorite lines is when Marcellus Wallace says "We're gonna get medieval on yo' ass."

"Hostel" shows you what he means.

THE MANLY SPORT OF GOLF


Well the temperature outside is rising and you all know what that means:

The golf season is upon us. Ah, golf! The one sport where you can drink and compete at the same time. God, I love it. I love it so much that this year I not only joined my usual Friday night league, but I also joined a Wednesday night league. That means two nights a week of golf.

Now it wasn't so long ago that I didn't enjoy golf so much. For those of you who have never played it can be a very frustrating game. Oh sure, you watch Tiger and Phil on a Sunday afternoon and they make it look so easy. They hardly even swing hard. Well try and hit that little white dimpled ball. It's a lot tougher then you think. Hell, even after you learn to hit it, now you have to learn to hit it straight.

That's where the alcohol comes in.

Even if you don't shoot in the low 80's or even the low 90's...who cares. You're outside in the fresh air, soaking up some rays with your buds and you're getting drunk. What more could a man ask for? (I have seen Deja Vu golf outings before, but that's a whole nother story). On my Friday night league most of us don't take the game too seriously. However, there are a few guys who think they are in contention for The Claret Jug. (That's the trophy for The British Open). I hate playing those guys so I try and take them out of their game. I taunt them. I tsk tsk tsk them when they hit a bad shot, or I will over-patronize them. "That shot could have been worse," I'll say, knowing that to them it couldn't get any worse. As their tempers flare, I just crack another beer and look for the nearest Porta-Potti.

I have found in my experience two types of golfers: The first type is the guy who gets worse as he consumes more alcohol. Then you have the son-of-a-bitch who gets better as he consumes more beer. You can always pick these guys out because they're always handing you more beer even those it's against your better judgement to keep drinking. My partner last year was of the latter persuasion. What even made it worse was the fact that he was also my son.

Kevin definitely inherited my competitive gene. He hates to lose...at anything. The problem we ran into the first year we golfed together was that he was competing with me instead of the two-man team we were playing at the time. He also would ply me with beer saying things like "Jeez Dad, you're two beers behind me. You better start drinking." Of course I would oblige because I'll be damned if my son can out drink me. Needless to say, we did not win the league that first year; but if they gave an award for the most beer consumed during the season, we were the Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson in that category.

Kevin eventually got a job in Cleveland and moved there late last year which left me scrambling to find a new golf partner. My partner had to have the same qualities as Kevin: highly competitive and extremely thirsty. It didn't take long, but I was able to convince a long time friend and co-worker to golf with me on Fridays. I was a little shocked because he also belongs to a Wednesday night league. I bet you all can see where this is going. Needless to say, his normal Wednesday night partner could not golf due to some personal issues that he had to take care of, so of course Al asked me to fill in for his old partner. And loving the game like I do, said yes. The Wednesday night league starts next week and I can't wait.

THE OFFICIAL LAWS OF GOLF

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group.

Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.

Remember: Keep your head down, your knees bent and let the club do the work.

And oh yeah, bring plenty of cold beer :) See you on the links!

Signs Of Old Age

As much as I hate to admit it...I'm getting older. How do I know? I just got fitted for my first pair of bifocals. I was perfectly content with lifting my old glasses up to read the bills at restaurants. Except when I based the tip on a number that wasn't even close to what the bill said. So what! Everyone makes mistakes. Well the wife didn't share my views on this, so she made me an appointment to get my eyes checked.

Not only was I going to get new glasses, but we decided to go to a new optometrist as well. Talk about a double whammy. Well, I got my eyes tested, they even put that pupil dilating solution in my eyes so they could check out the health of my retina. Good thing the wife came along. After they administered the drops I felt like Ray Milland in "The Man With The X-Ray Eyes". I thought for sure they had mixed up the eye drops and had accidently poured gasoline into my eyes, that's how bad they burned. I knew I was in trouble when thr doctor even said "this is gonna burn a little" right before she put the drops in. Needless to say, my retina is fine, but my eyes looked like they were on fire.

About 10 days later the optometrist calls and tells me my glasses are ready for pick up. Hot Diggity, can't wait. I drive to the optometrist enjoying my last day as a one-lense-wearing man. The sky looked bluer than I remember. The colors of the passing cars stood out like an Andy Warhokl painting: super bright and vivid. As I walk into the shop, I get this uncanny feeling of dread. Like something is going to go horribly wrong. I tell the receptionist who I am and she directs me to a small table in front of the wall of frames. A thin black girl, whose name escapes me, comes over and sits down opposite me at the small table. She takes my new eyeglasses out of it's new blue leather case and proceeds to put them on my face. As soon as the glasses are seated on my nose the whole world looks like it's underwater, and that's looking through the top portion of the lense which wasn't much of a change from my old glasses. I felt something pulling on my left eye like an invisible ligament meant to turn my eyeball inward. A steady throb was building in my head. There was no way I could wear these abominations. The girl asked me how they felt and I told her that I couldn't see a thing. See grabbed them off my face, twisted the frames a little, and put them back. "How about now?" she asked, as if bending the shit out of the frames was going to somehow miraculously change the lense prescription. "I'm sorry" I said. "But these are not right. Everything is blurry." Somewhat flustered, she called over another optometrist and relayed the messgae I had just given her about my new glasses. He came over to me and said, We'll have to make another appointment to verify the prescription." I said, "OK" and followed him to the receptionist's desk.

As it turned out, they did not write down my prescription properly. They had inverted my astigmatism which is what caused the blurry vision and the pounding headache. Two tries later (that's right...TWO tries) I was fitted with a pair of glasses that I could actually see out of. I'm still getting used to having to point my nose at whatever I'm looking at, instead of moving my eyes like in the old days, but each day it gets better and better.

Pray to God I won't need trifocals! I couldn't even imagine what would happen then.

SUPER BOWL FRENZY

Well it's that time of year again. The time where fans of NFL football and even those who don't know Ben Rothlisberger from Matt Hasslebeck party their asses off. I include myself among those party-goers. However I do know the difference between Ben and Matt.

My wife is especially excited because she has been a die-hard Steelers fan from way back. She might actually watch the entire game this year. Usually, she just wants to see the commercials and the half-time show. Remember Janet Jackson's halftime show? That was one I didn't mind watching. This year the Rolling Stones will be performing. I don't think we need to worry about Mick flashing his breast. Should be good!

I'm predicting a low scoring game since both teams have tremendous defenses. As usual, the team that makes the fewest mistakes should win the game. Did I tell you I'm a master at stating the obvious? Well, I am.

I would like to see Jerome Bettis have a gigantic game and retire as a Superbowl champion. After 13 years, he deserves it. Ben Roethlisberger is going to win more than one Superbowl. For a player his age, he shows a tremendous amount of poise and confidence. He is going to be a great one.

The Seahawks have Shaun Alexander who is the league's MVP. He is the one chance for Seattle to come away with a victory. If the Steeler defense can bottle him up, they will win the game. (Master of the Obvious).

I hope it is an entertaining game. The last few have been down to the wire, and I expect this game will be no exception.

GO STEELERS !

It's been awhile since I've updated this blog. It's not that I don't have anything to say, it's just hard to find the time to just sit down and write my thoughts for you to see.

Well, the Holidays have come and gone and all I can say is "Glad it's over". I didn't really enjoy the holidays this year. For some reason the commercialization of Christmas just struck me as stupid and meaningless. We exchanged gifts with the enthusiasm of a coma patient. We just went through the motions and when it was all over, it didn't mean a thing. Maybe it's because I'm older now, or maybe it's because something's missing.

I remember when I was a child how excited I'd get for Christmas. The magic of Santa Claus ignited my wildest dreams and had me up around 4:00 am on Christmas morning. I ripped through the wrapping paper like a Tasmanian Devil. Each gift more rewarding than the last. Ah, to be young again.

Well I will try to be more timely on my next update. Til then ...keep on blogging!