SLAYER DAY!

For those of you who like to keep track of unusual coincidences and strange occurences, be prepared this year for an event that happens only once every century:

666

That's right. On June 6, 2006 it will be the only time that the mark of the beast will be reflected on our calendars. Now I know what you're thinking: will Satan himself re-appear on the planet? Will some kid named Damien be born in one of our local hospitals? Unfortunately, nothing so horrific is scheduled to occur on 6/06/06.

Instead there are a group of people who have proposed that we spend the day honoring one of metal's true icons:

SLAYER

Check out this site. Slayer Day. It will instruct you on how you should spend 6/06/06. For Slayer fans, it's how they spend everyday.

I may not spend 6/06/06 honoring Slayer, but on 6/30/06 I sure will be. I have tickets to see them in Cleveland with my son Kevin. The Unholy Alliance Tour is sure to be a great show. Too bad it wasn't on 6/06/06. That would be truly bizarre.




Anyway, crank up "Angel Of Death" and a little "South Of Heaven" in honor of Slayer; and remember to "dance with the dead in your dreams".

ROCK ON!

HOSTEL

Well I just watched "Hostel" last night and I won't be back-packing through Europe anytime soon; although Amsterdam looked like fun!

This movie is a chilling portrayal of society's demise. Money is king and you can buy anything for a price. Even the ability to torture another human being to the point of death, which is the premise of the movie.

I guess the only problem I have with the movie is the fact that if someone was using a blowtorch on my face (which they do in this movie) I wouldn't be screaming, I'd pass out from the pain. Or if someone took an electric drill and started looking for a stud over my entire body, again I would pass out before they got to the third attempt and ruin all of their fun.

What does happen during the torture is a lot of vomiting. I guess if we didn't see the vomit, the audience wouldn't know just how badly it hurts. Believe me, I've dropped things on my big toe before and thought I was going to pass out, let alone having someone cut it off with a pair of bolt cutters.

I guess in the movies no one goes into shock...except the customers when they see the price of tickets and concessions.

In "Pulp Fiction" one of my favorite lines is when Marcellus Wallace says "We're gonna get medieval on yo' ass."

"Hostel" shows you what he means.

THE MANLY SPORT OF GOLF


Well the temperature outside is rising and you all know what that means:

The golf season is upon us. Ah, golf! The one sport where you can drink and compete at the same time. God, I love it. I love it so much that this year I not only joined my usual Friday night league, but I also joined a Wednesday night league. That means two nights a week of golf.

Now it wasn't so long ago that I didn't enjoy golf so much. For those of you who have never played it can be a very frustrating game. Oh sure, you watch Tiger and Phil on a Sunday afternoon and they make it look so easy. They hardly even swing hard. Well try and hit that little white dimpled ball. It's a lot tougher then you think. Hell, even after you learn to hit it, now you have to learn to hit it straight.

That's where the alcohol comes in.

Even if you don't shoot in the low 80's or even the low 90's...who cares. You're outside in the fresh air, soaking up some rays with your buds and you're getting drunk. What more could a man ask for? (I have seen Deja Vu golf outings before, but that's a whole nother story). On my Friday night league most of us don't take the game too seriously. However, there are a few guys who think they are in contention for The Claret Jug. (That's the trophy for The British Open). I hate playing those guys so I try and take them out of their game. I taunt them. I tsk tsk tsk them when they hit a bad shot, or I will over-patronize them. "That shot could have been worse," I'll say, knowing that to them it couldn't get any worse. As their tempers flare, I just crack another beer and look for the nearest Porta-Potti.

I have found in my experience two types of golfers: The first type is the guy who gets worse as he consumes more alcohol. Then you have the son-of-a-bitch who gets better as he consumes more beer. You can always pick these guys out because they're always handing you more beer even those it's against your better judgement to keep drinking. My partner last year was of the latter persuasion. What even made it worse was the fact that he was also my son.

Kevin definitely inherited my competitive gene. He hates to lose...at anything. The problem we ran into the first year we golfed together was that he was competing with me instead of the two-man team we were playing at the time. He also would ply me with beer saying things like "Jeez Dad, you're two beers behind me. You better start drinking." Of course I would oblige because I'll be damned if my son can out drink me. Needless to say, we did not win the league that first year; but if they gave an award for the most beer consumed during the season, we were the Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson in that category.

Kevin eventually got a job in Cleveland and moved there late last year which left me scrambling to find a new golf partner. My partner had to have the same qualities as Kevin: highly competitive and extremely thirsty. It didn't take long, but I was able to convince a long time friend and co-worker to golf with me on Fridays. I was a little shocked because he also belongs to a Wednesday night league. I bet you all can see where this is going. Needless to say, his normal Wednesday night partner could not golf due to some personal issues that he had to take care of, so of course Al asked me to fill in for his old partner. And loving the game like I do, said yes. The Wednesday night league starts next week and I can't wait.

THE OFFICIAL LAWS OF GOLF

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group.

Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.

Remember: Keep your head down, your knees bent and let the club do the work.

And oh yeah, bring plenty of cold beer :) See you on the links!